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To All My Email Buddies

To all my Email buddies out there...

A really big 'Thank You' for the last year....

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to some of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat excrement in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to get a wet sponge every time I seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer of the toenail.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a turd on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a dodgy after-shave sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages as the posties are actually Al Quaeda operatives in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and lower Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sandshoes -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my e-mail friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick boy who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and Yahoo are sending me for participating in their special e-mail tracking program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me, that I will now want to return the favour!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144 people in the next 10 minutes, an oversized pigeon with a truly wicked case of diarrhoea will land (and gleefully unload) on your head at 5:00 PM (Daylight saving time) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's hairdresser.

.... So THERE!

Thank You Again. Have a great day! And don't forget to forward this to stop any evil things happening to your nether regions and what not.

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Fantastic Forwards - Hoax-Slayer Humour

Submitted via email: January 2006
First Published: 2nd August 2006
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